Patricia Bbaale Bandak on How Making a Film Helped Her Confront Her Mother’s Murder

At this point in her life, Bandak, who graduated from the documentary director program at the National Film School of Denmark, had a number of projects under her belt, including the TV series Bad Bitch. But going into her own back story and putting herself and her family in front of the camera was something she'd never done before. However, she was determined to find out about the events surrounding her mother’s death.

Growing up, her father had refused to talk about it. “I was now a mother and afraid of not knowing how to be a mother because I never had one. I wanted to find out what caused all this trauma in my family,” says Bandak. She adds that she also wanted to protect her child from, “inheriting the trauma and darkness,” in her family, and also for herself to, “finally get to know her so I could mourn properly.”

The result of this quest for understanding is Bandak’s documentary, Death of a Saint — a deeply personal, moving and intimately shot film about a woman returning home to Uganda to confront her past to make way for her future. Death of a Saint will premiere at the 2024 Hot Docs Festival this week.

In this interview, edited for length and clarity, Bandak talks to OkayAfrica about navigating generational trauma, what it was like to return to Uganda and the kind of conversations she hopes her film will inspire.

OkayAfrica: What’s the significance of the title to the story and how does it reflect the central themes of the documentary?

Patricia Bbaale Bandak: It’s very central. My family talks about my mum like she was devout, almost a saint who had unconditional faith in God. She’s painted as this perfect picture of a human. So Death of a Saint is about her death, but also about death to that image of innocence and perfection. It’s about making her human.

How were you able to navigate that – the cultural taboo and sensitivities to speaking ill of the dead while seeking answers and understanding?

It was really difficult. But then I found an entrance through my mum’s sisters. They remembered her, talked about her, even the things about her that annoyed them. We laughed a lot. I think, when they started to open up, it gave permission to my dad’s side of the family to open up, too.

How did your perspective on your roots, motherhood, and identity evolve or change during the filming process?

No one gets over something like this, of course, but I realized that my mother’s family had grown to live with it. It also helped me appreciate having community and being surrounded by close family. I don’t want to generalize, but in Uganda, contrary to Danish society, you are close with your family, with all the generations. I also became more gracious toward my dad. Growing up, I would get really angry at him. I felt like I didn’t understand him. Why wouldn’t he just talk about her? So going back there afforded me a much deeper understanding of him. I actually also had a greater sorrow for missing out on family, on my culture.

In many areas, my expectations were exceeded. I always knew my mother was murdered, it was never a secret. But learning the intricate details was beyond what I’d imagined. I’m really happy and proud, and relieved that it’s done and I can now move on to something else; it’s very difficult to stay in these themes for so many years.

What was your biggest challenge in bringing Death of a Saint to life, both emotionally and logistically?

Logistically, it was traveling back and forth from Uganda to Denmark. When we filmed it, it was around COVID. So it was a hazard, logistically. Emotionally, it was opening up. I thought I could hide behind my camera, in a sense, but I found that I couldn’t.

I was also afraid of retraumatizing my dad. But I realized this film had to be more than darkness and trauma. It had to also capture the humor and lighthearted version of my family. My siblings are silly, you know? I wanted to show that too, because PTSD can look different for different people. We’re not just depressed, sitting at home, doing nothing. Sometimes, people are depressed but working, doing a lot of stuff, keeping it moving. I wanted to show all different versions of that, and I’m so grateful that my family wanted to do it with me.

How do you hope the audience connects with your story, what do you ultimately want them to take away from Death of a Saint?

In this film, I’ve shown my truth and talked about processing grief. By doing so I hope I can be a part of a conversation where we talk about generational trauma, identity, and healing. A lot of people here in the diaspora have all these conflicted emotions about home and what it means. I want my film to be an opener to these types of conversations.